Chapter 5

Abandoned Hopes

“You know, I’ve come a long way to get to this point, to see you right there in front of me, as weak and as helpless as you are,” Akuma said, still running a cold finger up and down Hisoka’s arm. With large, red eyes, the corner of his mouth curling upward, hands resting on Hisoka’s arm, Akuma laughed inwardly and clawed painfully slow into flesh like a needing kitten as though he wanted to remember exactly how Hisoka felt; how Akuma’s sharp, dragon-like nails pierced through the skin, how Hisoka’s blood colored his hands. This place was for real. The pain was real, the blood was real. Akuma tilted his head as he raised a bloodied hand to his face and watched as the blood dripped down his slender fingers as though he had never seen such a thing before.

“Go away!” was all Hisoka could say. He didn’t want to look down at his mangled arm, to see his own blood splattered on the hands of the demon.

Akuma laughed. “Go away? Where do you expect me to go? Back inside of you?” Akuma’s head whipped back in a cruel laugh. “I guess you don’t know how long I’ve been trying to be free of you… to finally be my own person… to feel…” For a moment Akuma looked curiously again to the blood on his hands, and without looking back into Hisoka’s hopeless eyes, he mouthed the words thoughtlessly to himself, “You are the one to blame…”

Hisoka stared up at the demon, his tired eyes burning as if from the flames still churning inside. If only he could summon those flames again, by his command, maybe then the demon would go away. Even if he could figure out how to use his hidden power, he wasn’t nearly strong enough to scare the demon away with it. It was impossible. There was no hope.

“Get away from me,” he cried.

Akuma blinked and shook his head as though he was lost for a moment. Then he saw Hisoka trying to the best of his ability to be strong, to ignore him long enough so he’d go away, and it made him laugh. “What do you think you can do? You might as well be dead right now,” Akuma said with his an evil stare. In a second, he pounced on Hisoka with a snarl, his teeth bared. He grabbed Hisoka’s neck and squeezed tightly enough to see his own knuckles turn white. “There’s nothing you can do, nowhere for you to go. You are good for one thing, Hisoka, and I think you know what that is.” Akuma suddenly let go of Hisoka’s neck and grinned at the marks that remained. “Your time will come soon enough,” he said and walked out of the lab without a single glance back, the hollow sound of his footsteps echoing through the empty room.

Hisoka clenched his fist in anger and fought against the metal bars and chains holding him down. The arm Akuma clawed into throbbed painfully, pulsated in time with his own beating heart. He felt cold and tired and yet he could feel the heat, his anger, rising in him again when the demon left the room. He would get out of here somehow, at the right time. But until then, he had to rest. If he could conserve every ounce of energy in his body he might be able to break free and escape. Someday.

He took a deep breath, closed his eyes, and tried to vision himself somewhere else, somewhere quiet and warm, somewhere with a friend—Sakura. In his mind she was still alive. In his mind, he was free. In his mind, there were no demons or dark shadows of the unknown. There was only light and warmth and calm. It was peaceful. Hisoka’s breathing slowed as he slipped into a deep sleep, a coma-like stillness that engulfed him whole.

“So, where do you want to go today?” Sakura asked.

Hisoka shrugged his shoulders in reply.

“Oh really? I never heard of that place before. Is it new?” she said, teasingly, tugging on his arm.

“Well, I didn’t think you’d want to visit the shrine again today.”

“The Dragon Shrine? Why wouldn’t I want to go there?” she said as she rested her head against his shoulder as they continued to walk down the street. “I don’t know which of us likes it better—you or—”

“—Me. Definitely me,” Hisoka said, grinning.

Sakura looked up to see his smiling face and couldn’t suppress a giggle. “Maybe.” She looked forward again, as though there was something on her mind. Silent for a moment, she said, “Do you ever wonder why we’d ever want to go to such a place? I mean, it’s not exactly a hotspot for young people, you know.”

Hisoka shook his head. “I don’t know.” But she was right. There was something special about the shine. It was a sort of peace, a calmness that instilled within his soul every time they set foot on the holy grounds, and in the midst of everything else, peace was paradise.

“They say that the area around the shrine is the only remaining mark left by the god of creation in our world that’s still tangible, which I guess means that we’re able to visit?”

Hisoka nodded. “The dragon god, after a drawn out battle with a lesser god, fell to the earth exactly 100km east of here. Some people used to say that the god fell here in Tokyo somewhere, maybe even where the Dragon Shrine stands today, but only a few know the truth.”

“Which is that the dragon god crashed down on an island, a volcanic island that is now submerged beneath the sea. And only the caretakers of the Dragon Shrine know this, right?”

“So they say,” Hisoka smiled.

Sakura looked up to Hisoka again. “Then how do we know this?”

He shrugged his shoulders.

“Shrouded in mystery, I guess, huh?” Sakura sighed. “So, have you decided where we’re going tomorrow? You know how I like to have a plan…”

Xein sat with a dark scowl on his face and his arms folded in a tiny seat on an express train. His hair, shaggy and with multiple parts, flopped over his glowing yellow, dog eyes. His only pacifier was the half empty bottle of wine he held between his legs.

These trains were the only ones that ran nonstop from Tokyo to the snowy Sapporo of northern Japan and he hated them. For one, they were too small and uncomfortable to ride on for longer than an hour. Six hours seemed like an eternity. Secondly, the food was horrible. Carnival food was fifteen times better than the crap they served on these train, so Xein refused to even look over the menu. He’d rather suffer the sound of a rumbly stomach than eat the stuff that pretended to be a form of food. All-in-all, he was not a happy traveler.

“Would you please stop it with those faces?” Kaori said. “I can’t take it any more. You’re making me feel like crap just because you are.”

“Thanks. I’m glad I make you feel miserable.”

“You wouldn’t if you’d just knock it off with the frown. It’s not that bad.”

Xein frowned. “Not that bad? How the hell do you call being locked up in this tiny cell for hours on end not that bad?”

“Don’t talk to me about being locked up in a tiny cell! You were the one who watched me day after day in that prison cell. It only took you a week to decide you wanted to help me get out.”

“You weren’t on my list of priorities.”

“Oh! There it is! You’d better be darn lucky that I forked over the cash for this private room on the train. You know, maybe I should have just bought one ticket and bought space underneath to store live cargo. How do you think you’d like it under there, Mister? No windows, no fresh air, no cushioned seats, no bottles of wine…!” Kaori lunged over to Xein in the seat across from her and grabbed for the bottle of wine.

“Whoa whoa whoa!” Stopping her from taking away the bottle, he held Kaori’s hands, which were tightly gripped around the bottle. “And what, my dear, are you grabbing at?”

“What do you think? You don’t deserve fine wine the way you’ve been treating me!”

“I don’t think so. Take the one thing that’s pacifying me and you’ll have a very moody dog on your hands.”

“Since when are you not a moody little mut?” Kaori said straight to his face. They scowled at each other for several seconds; Kaori kneeling on the floor with her hands still tightly around the bottle of wine, Xein squeezing the bottle with his knees and holding onto Kaori’s wrists with his beastly hands. Neither one of them appeared to ever give up in this mild tug of war until Xein yanked Kaori’s wrists up in one swift motion and grabbed her around the waist, pulling her down into the seat with him as the bottle of wine fell to the floor.

“Ahh! Look what you just did!” Kaori said. Xein didn’t bother re-corking the bottle after his last swig and the wine spilled everywhere. “You spilled the wine!”

He grinned slyly. “What are you talking about? There’s still some bitter-sweet wine right here.” He brushed Kaori’s hair of her shoulder with his hand and stared at her. It was as though he was absorbing every aspect of her, every hair on her head, every tiny blemish on her face, the way her eyes shone in the jostling light of the train car. She was beautiful, even with all of her flaws. Looking at her made him forget what was vexing him before and he could only think of holding her close, never letting her go. For the first time in his life he actually wished the train ride would never end.

“You are such a dork,” Kaori said. “You do know that, right?”

“You better be careful! The cute, little puppy might turn into a ravaging beast any moment and eat you alive!”

“Oh, I wouldn’t want that, would I?” Kaori laughed.

“I don’t know about you, but I’m sure the beast would enjoy it.”

Kaori giggled and wrapped her arms around Xein’s neck, resting her head on his shoulder.

“Why are we going way the hell up to Hokkaido again? You weren’t trying to be sneaky, were you?”

“Why? Because I know you hate long train rides and you’d be irritable and vulnerable to my beauty? Maybe…”

“Ahh! You are a sneak!”

Kaori giggled again, “No, I’m sorry. That’s not the only reason we’re going all this way. I thought I told you this.”

“Uh, yeah, you probably did. While I was asleep.”

“You weren’t asleep… Were you?”

Xein gave her such an odd look that Kaori didn’t know whether to be angry or laugh her head off. It was the kind of look like he didn’t want to answer the question, that he wanted to slyly change the subject and not have to answer. But Kaori saw the it and would not let the subject be changed.

“You were asleep!? How could you have been asleep? You were talking back…”

“Well, a dog can go only for so long…”

“You were asleep!” she yelled, drawing back and playfully smacking him on the chest. “Are you really trying to make me feel sick because I could just barf all over you right now. You know how sick that is?”

“What? That you kept up while I was out cold?”

“No! The fact that I didn’t even know! I’m an idiot. A moron.”

“No, you’re not. You’re just more energetic, that’s all.”

“Energy has nothing to do with it. Or— Wait a minute. You’re telling me that a big, strong, half-man-beast thing that you are…” Kaori quickly jumped up and spun around. “Look at me! I’m as puncy as you can get! How is it logical that I would have more energy than you? It’s just not possible.”

“You don’t give yourself enough credit.” A loud grumble shook through him. “Ugh, see? Makes me hungry just thinking of it…”

“But… you vowed that you wouldn’t eat the food on the train.”

His stomach growling again, he said, “Uh, I know… but… there’s no stopping it. I’ll have to eat something, anything...” He looked at Kaori with big, hungry eyes.

“Whatever! This may be a private room, but it’s not like people won’t hear…”

“Do you think I care?”

Kaori stood there for a few moments not knowing what to say, but then she began to shake her head faster and faster. “No! You’re getting up and we’re getting you something to eat.” She took his hand and pulled for him to stand. “C’mon, there ya go, good boy. We’ll only be a little while in the dinning car and then we can come back, okay?” He gave her the “aw, do we have to?” sort of look and she slid open the chamber door and shoved him out, knocking him directly into another passenger walking down the corridor. Xein knocked the man hard into the glass window; it must have been hard because when the man hit, there was a loud clank, almost like the sound of metal.

“Do you mind?” the man said and shoved Xein back in anger. Xein was too hungry and in such an unusually giddy mood to care. Kaori stuck her head out of the room to look upon the passenger, but he had already continued on his way down the corridor.

“Sorry about that,” she said, worriedly, but then Xein’s stomach growled again and the scowl resurfaced on her face. “Go on! Get! Down that way!”

Kataki, the angry man on the train, stomped down the small corridor until he reached his own personal room, which he entered and slammed the sliding door behind him. The room inside was dark, the shade over the window pulled all the way down so not an inch of light from passing houses and towns would seep inside. The man stood silently for a moment, counter balancing as the train entered a curve that tried to push him off his feet. That’s how he felt inside, too, he thought, like he had to counter everything that happened to him, and it was okay. That’s what he kept telling himself, that it was right for him to hit back when someone smacked him down. That it was right for him to act out and protect himself, no matter who he had to hurt in the process, even his sister.

The train suddenly sped into a sharp turn and Kataki allowed himself to fall into one of the two large, cushioned benches, burying his face in a soft pillow. He could no longer feel his right arm under the weight of his body, but he could feel the cold sting of it against his chest. He kicked his foot backwards as he lay facedown on the bench and listened for it to clank against the metal leg of the bench as it fell back down. He did it again and again to hear the noise it made, to not feel the impact as his foot hitting the metal. His arm and leg, they weren’t much different from that bench leg. They were both cold and unfeeling, and no matter how many times he kicked up his foot, he would always hear the same empty sound echo back at him endlessly, just as the sight of his friends when they saw his new form would be forever burned in his brain.

Before he jumped on the train to follow after Akuma, he called his old buddies up one last time. They all thought he died in the incident at the Kenage house fire and were happy to hear that Kataki was safe after all, but their faces changed the moment they set eyes upon him. Kataki didn’t have to ask what they were thinking, he already knew. He was a monster.

“What—how—” Streeten, one of the twin boys of Kataki’s group, stammered as he tried to keep his eyes on Kataki even though they wanted to dart elsewhere, anywhere but to look at Kataki. Gaiger stood behind his brother and bit his lip.

“It doesn’t matter what happened,” Bran said in his deep, husky voice.

“It’s a miracle you’re alive!” Nanami, with her yellow hair bouncing at the sides of her face, tried to smile, but she knew she couldn’t hide true fear in her eyes.

Kataki shook his head. “Or rather a curse. So much has happened… I can’t even begin to tell you all about it, but… I have to tell you this one thing, even though I know you won’t understand it: This is the last time you will ever see me. After today, you’re all better off believing what you heard in the news. Ijiwaru Kataki is dead.”

“But why?” Nanami said, grabbing Bran’s huge arm for support. “Why come back only to leave us again?”

“I couldn’t do anything for you then and I can’t now. You’re all better off forgetting everything. Go back to school and make up with all those students I sent you after. I couldn’t hurt myself any more than I was already hurting… so I made everyone else suffer with me. That was the only way I knew how to live and not be alone. But now…” Kataki shook his head. As he dropped his head low, a singular tear fell the length of his face.

None of his four friends had ever seen such a thing. Kataki… Broken? Beaten? Weak? They were like deer spotted with a bright light, which they couldn’t help but stare at. They couldn’t move, they didn’t know what to say or do. All they could do was stay and listen. They were all entering a time never seen in the past.

Kataki made a sniffling sound with his nose and looked back to his friends. “I’m sorry I have to do this. I’m sorry I’m leaving you, after everything you’ve done for me. You were the only ones who ever stayed by my side, even when I had such a fucked up view of the world, and the people in it. If only I had been stronger, maybe I would have seen…”

“What are you saying, man?” Bran said as he placed one of his big hands over Nanami’s. “You can’t leave us and not tell us what happened.”

“He’s right,” Gaiger said.

Streeten nodded. “We have a right to know.” When Kataki didn’t respond or acknowledge that any of them had said something, Streeten added sheepishly, “Don’t we?”

And he was right. That was the least he could do for them. Kataki sniffled his nose again and looked away as he began to speak again. “I murdered my parents and Hisoka’s mother… My sister died because of me; it’s my fault she died—I wouldn’t listen. I wouldn’t let Hisoka go without finally extracting my revenge… But…”

“S-Sakura…” Nanami stammered in a quiet voice, “Sakura is…dead?” Nanami and Sakura were never friends, but she liked her; Sakura was always nice and pleasant to talk with. Nanami couldn’t believe she was dead…

“Dude, I can understand you offing your parents; I probably would have done the same thing in your shoes, but…” Streeten said.

Gaiger shook his head. “But… the news said there was nothing left of them, that whoever had done it… wasn’t human.”

The words cut Kataki to the core and he didn’t know how to react, so he did exactly what he would have done. He rushed the twin, grabbed him by the collar of his shirt with his metallic hand and growled, “Does this look human to you? Huh?” Then he threw the twin back against his brother and looked down at his inhuman limbs. “I killed them with these,” Kataki said, flexing his shinny hand and knocking a fist on his metallic leg for all to hear. “And Sakura died just about the same way as they did…”

“She was your sister, man!” Bran said, disgusted, his illusions shattered. “Of all people, I thought you’d do anything to protect her.”

“I would but… she… She betrayed me and I couldn’t—”

“—What did you think she did? Jump in bed with that idiot moron whose mother you slaughtered?” Gaiger said half jokingly.

No, he had thought. She didn’t choose him over me, she wouldn’t unless he put some evil spell over her to cloud her judgment. But Hisoka was no magician and didn’t need to work any sort of magic to win over Sakura’s affections. It was all her decision. She made a choice that night and she chose Hisoka. She loved him. She loved him. She loved him. And now she was dead.

Kataki’s legs gave way and he slumped to the snowy ground, the snow saturating through his jeans. He had never admitted it before then. For all those years they lived under the same roof, he never admitted that he loved her, not as a sister but as…something more. That’s where his hatred for his adoptive parents arose, too. He hated them because they were a constant reminder that he had to play the role as the good brother, to keep his distance and to never succumb to his inner most feelings. He accepted his fake brotherly relationship with Sakura for years and ignored his throbbing heart every time she walked into the room. His adoptive father knew he felt about Sakura and tried to keep him as active as possible, then after the accident he had to find another way to keep the two apart—a cage of words. Mr. Ijiwaru had gotten into the habit of calling Kataki every bad name in the book at least a dozen times a day. He destroyed every remaining shred of self-respect Kataki had for himself and it became a handy way to control him. Either Kataki would stay locked up in his room to avoid the insults or he would stay late at school sporting events even though he couldn’t play. Either way, Kataki and Sakura rarely saw each other, save for passing each other in the halls at school. And then Hisoka came back and stole his sister away from him, or so he thought. But in reality, it was Sakura that went to Hisoka. It was she who wanted to be closer to him, not Kataki.

As he sat in the snow, he wondered if Sakura had ever known how he really felt about her and what she would have done or said if she had known. Would she have run all the more quickly to Hisoka or…? He would never know. She was dead, and neither of them would have her now. She was dead.

He didn’t know how long he sat there in the slush, but when Kataki looked up, he found himself alone, abandoned. Maybe it’s just as well, he thought. They’re taking my advice after all… But it didn’t make him feel any better.

Rubbing his face with his hands, he stood up and headed for the train station.

Kataki sat up in his seat on the train and sighed. There was only one thing left for him to do and he hoped to god it would finally set him free.